So you've made the decision to start couples therapy. You're likely facing a lot of mixed emotions. There likely have been some painful events that have brought you here. You may be feeling angry or hurt. You may also be feeling some hope, for the first time in a long time, that you and your partner will overcome this.

Many people experience fear and anxiety when starting couples therapy for the first time. This is natural and human, but feeling prepared can make your worries about couples therapy feel more manageable. Here are 8 things you can do to prepare, from reflecting on your goals (both individually and as a couple) to taking care of the paperwork.

Thrive Therapy offers unique couples therapy services in Phoenix, Glendale, and online. We may be able to accept your insurance to help cover the cost of sessions. Get in touch with us to learn more!

Before the first session: How to prepare for couples therapy

The most important thing to know is that you don't need to have everything figured out or arrive completely prepared. Most people feel confused, uncertain, and even frightened when they show up for their first session.

Know this: it's completely okay if you don't do much, or anything at all, to prepare for your first couples therapy session. A good therapist will help you figure it out. It's okay to just show up.

But sometimes, feeling like you're coming in prepared can help you relax and be more sure of yourself. And there are some steps you can take that may make the process flow more smoothly.

1. Take time to reflect on your own goals for the relationship.

Before you start couples therapy, take some time to think about what you truly hope to achieve. Are you wanting to strengthen your relationship and rebuild closeness? Are you uncertain about the future, but willing to see if things can improve? Are you moving toward separation, but hoping to do it with more care?

You don't need to know the answer right away. But beginning to reflect on your own goals can help you show up to the first appointment with a clearer sense of what you want from the counseling work.

2. Talk to your partner about each of your goals for therapy.

If you can, talk to your partner about what each of you wants from therapy. Your goals don't need to be the same, and it's okay if one partner feels more uncertain or invested than the other.

Common goals include conflict resolution (getting to a point where you can stop arguing all the time), rebuilding trust, learning new communication styles, or deciding what the next step should be for your life and relationship.

Even if you disagree on what you hope to achieve, naming your goals can help your therapist understand where each of you is starting.

3. Think about how you've both contributed to the relationship dynamic.

Try not to go into your first appointment trying to explain to your therapist how your partner has hurt and wronged you. It may be true that they have hurt you deeply, and that pain deserves to be taken seriously. But couples therapy usually isn't about convincing the therapist to be "on your team."

Instead, it can help to think about the relationship dynamic as a whole. How have you both learned to protect yourselves? How do arguments usually start? What happens when one or both partners feel hurt or rejected?

To be clear, blame is not always equal. A good example is when one partner has been unfaithful. But therapy works best when both partners are willing to look honestly at the dynamic between them, including the ways past experiences may be affecting their relationship now.

4. Be prepared to be vulnerable and honest.

Couples therapy can be uncomfortable, and that's not a bad thing. It can bring up feelings that you've been avoiding for a long time, and encourage you to talk about things that you've never said out loud before.

Try to come in ready to be open and honest, and willing to approach sessions with vulnerability rather than anger. Your therapist can help you slow down and communicate your thoughts and feelings in a way your partner can hear.

5. Schedule the session intentionally at a time when you can both be 100% present.

Try to schedule your first couples counseling session at a time when neither of you has to rush in or leave immediately afterward. These sessions can feel emotionally intense, especially in the first few sessions while your therapist is still learning about your relationship. It's best to have some time to wind down afterwards.

If possible, avoid scheduling right before an important event like a work presentation or a family get-together.

If you're doing online therapy, choose a private space where you can speak freely without worrying about whether your children or other people will overhear you.

6. Be realistic about your expectations.

Couples therapy isn't a magic wand that can "save" every relationship. Research shows that it does help, but it takes time. You may not feel better after one therapy session, and it sometimes gets more painful before the process starts to feel useful.

The early sessions are often about assessment, trust-building, and understanding what has been happening between you. Don't panic if all of your relationship problems aren't solved right away.

And sometimes, the best path forward is to move towards an amicable separation. This is something that you can talk to your therapist about.

7. Write down questions you have.

It can be easy to forget what you'd wanted to say in the emotional intensity of these sessions. Many people find it helpful to write down their thoughts beforehand. This can be especially important if you have questions you want to ask your therapist.

Before meeting with them for the first time, you might write down questions to ask about your therapist's approach or their years of experience working with couples. We've put together a list of common questions people have below to help get you started.

8.  Fill out forms.

Lastly, take care of the "housekeeping" tasks beforehand, if possible. You may be asked to fill out intake forms, insurance paperwork, consent forms, or questionnaires about your relationship. These forms help your therapist get the basic information before the session begins.

You may also be asked about your individual and family mental health history, current concerns, and safety issues. Try to fill these out as honestly as possible; the information helps your therapist understand how to work with you responsibly.

What to expect in your first couples counseling session

You won't necessarily jump into the deep end immediately in your first session together. If you've ever gone to individual therapy, you might remember that the first session was about getting to know you and laying the groundwork for treatment. Your first couples session will be similar.

Introduction of therapist and their treatment methods

Your therapist will likely spend time introducing themselves and explaining how they work.

Part of the getting-to-know-you process will be an explanation of the therapy methods they use to work with couples. For example, our team at Thrive primarily uses emotionally-focused couples therapy (EFCT). So in your first session, we might go over things like how attachment affects adult relationships and how negative conflict cycles form between partners.

Your therapist should also go over basics like your right to confidentiality and what information may need to be shared if there are safety concerns. If you haven't already, you may need to sign consent forms.

Learning about your relationship history and current dynamic

You probably won't be able to give your therapist a complete picture of your entire relationship history in one session. But one important goal of the first session is to start allowing your therapist to understand what's going on between you.

Your therapist will likely ask about how your relationship began, what drew you together, and what your relationship was like before the current problems started.

You will also probably talk about your current relationship dynamic, if you're comfortable. This could include what arguments look like, how each of you responds during conflict, what makes each of you feel disconnected, and what happens after you fight.

In some cases, your therapist may recommend an individual session with each partner before or after the first couples session. This can help them understand each person's background and concerns more fully. An individual session is still part of the couples counseling process; the goal is to better understand the relationship, not to treat either person separately.

If you're looking for individual therapy as well as couples, you'll need to find a separate individual therapist for legal and ethical reasons.

Building trust

Lastly, your therapist will work toward building trust with both of you as individuals during the first session. This matters more than you might think. Without trust, it can be difficult for you to be honest and vulnerable or take emotional risks. It might feel almost impossible talk about painful topics in a productive way if you don't trust your therapist.

A good couples counselor isn't there to decide who is right and who is wrong. They work to understand how the cycle between you works, and what each of you needs in order to feel safer with each other. You both need to feel heard and understood for therapy to be effective.

Questions to ask your couples therapist

It's okay --- and encouraged --- to come into couples therapy with questions. If there's anything you're unsure about, you can ask about it in the first session or even beforehand.

Here are some common questions people have for us:

• What is your experience working with couples?
• Are you a licensed marriage and family therapist, or do you have another type of license?
• What approaches do you use in couples therapy?
• How do you handle it if we argue during the session?
• Do you ever recommend individual therapy alongside couples therapy? Can you make a referral?
• What happens if one of us isn't sure we want to stay together?
• How will we know if therapy isn’t working?
• How many sessions do couples usually need?
• Do you assign exercises or things to practice between sessions?
• How do you help couples build conflict resolution skills?
• What can we do to prepare for sessions each week?
• How do you help partners feel heard when both people are hurt?

Find a couples therapist in Phoenix, Glendale, or online (Arizona)

If you're ready to start couples therapy and improve your relationship, our Arizona couples therapists at Thrive Therapy are here to help.

Combined, we have decades of experience working with couples and helping them rebuild trust and intimacy. We want to help you respect and admire each other again, whatever the outcome of your relationship may be.

We offer couples therapy in Phoenix and Glendale, with online couples therapy available throughout Arizona.

On top of weekly couples therapy services, we also offer unique options like:

• Hold Me Tight weekend workshops, based on Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy
• Couples intensives for partners who want focused time to work on their relationship
• Thriving Couples, our therapist-led date night experience

If you're ready to get vulnerable and strengthen your relationship, we'd be honored to help. Get in touch with us to get matched with one of our licensed couples therapists in Arizona.

Frequently asked questions

If you still have questions about how to prepare for couples therapy and what to expect, this section may help. You can also feel free to get in touch with us --- we'd be happy to answer any concerns you have.

How many therapy sessions will we need?

This depends on your relationship, your goals for therapy, and how long the same patterns have been happening. Some couples benefit from short-term work (3 to 6 months), while others need more time to rebuild trust after a betrayal or work through deeper pain.

How do we know if this is the right couples therapist for us?

A good therapist should help both partners feel heard while also keeping the focus on the relationship dynamic and patterns --- not on the detailed content of arguments. We recommend giving it a few sessions, but at the end of the day, it's important to trust your gut.

Will the therapist take sides? What if one person has clearly hurt the other?

Your therapist's job is not to pick a "winner" or decide who is the "real" victim. But that doesn't mean harm gets ignored; a good couples therapist can name hurtful behavior clearly while still helping both people understand what needs to change.

What if my partner isn't committed to going to couples therapy?

Couples therapy works best when both people are open and willing to participate. If your partner is hesitant, you may still be able to attend a first appointment together and talk openly about what each of you is willing to try.

Is couples therapy covered by insurance?

Read More: Does Insurance Cover Couples Therapy?

At Thrive Therapy, we accept insurance for couples therapy in many cases! Get in touch with us to learn more. Generally, couples therapists don't tend to accept insurance.

Written by Cayla Gensler, LPCCayla is a licensed couples’ therapist who specializes in helping individuals and couples with issues like codependency, communication issues, and loss and grief. She is highly trained in emotion-focused therapy (EFT), an evidence-based method for couples. You can work with Cayla through couples intensives, monthly workshops, or Relationships 101 groups.

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