Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) affects every area of your life, including (and often especially) your relationships. Your symptoms can cause you to withdraw from loved ones or make closeness more difficult. You might even have obsessive thoughts about your relationships themselves.

This can be painful for both you and the people who love you. You may feel trapped by your thoughts and compulsions, while your loved ones may feel frustrated or unsure how to help. But OCD is treatable, and with the right support, you can build healthy relationships. 

Don't let OCD rob you of the ability to build healthy, meaningful connections. Our Arizona OCD therapists are trained in evidence-based methods to treat OCD, including ERP. We also offer intensive outpatient programs specifically designed for OCD. Book a session today. ➡️

How OCD can affect relationships

The impact of OCD on relationships is undeniable. Some things we'll talk about here primarily affect romantic relationships. Spouses and romantic partners tend to get a closer look into your everyday life, and they might have a front-seat view of your obsessions and compulsions.

But it's important to remember that OCD can affect every type of relationship, including with family members, colleagues, and roommates. 

Here are some common ways that OCD may impact relationships.

Excessive doubt and second-guessing

One of the hallmarks of OCD is obsessions, or intrusive thoughts that don't go away. This often shows up as excessive doubt or second-guessing, either of yourself or the world around you. 

In relationships, this doubt can become exhausting for everyone involved. You might ask yourself questions like, “Did I offend my friend?” “What if I hurt someone without realizing it?” or “What if I made the wrong decision?” Even when loved ones try to reassure you, the doubt may come back again and again.

Over time, this can become tiring for both you and your loved ones. They may feel that no matter what they do, it's never enough. That doesn't mean it's your fault or that you're a burden in relationships. But the doubt can leave both people feeling helpless: you feel desperate for certainty, and they feel like nothing they say makes a difference. 

The reassurance cycle

People with OCD perform compulsions to try to reduce the distress of their thoughts. We tend to think of compulsions as ritualistic behaviors (like counting or checking) that we can physically see. But one of the most common OCD compulsive behaviors is reassurance-seeking.

You may ask your partner, friends, and family members for reassurance over and over again. OCD seeks certainty, and you feel you need your loved ones to reassure you that your fears aren't true. The problem is that reassurance only feeds the OCD loop.

Most loved ones will become trapped in the vicious cycle of reassurance with you because they naturally want to comfort you. But often, they're unintentionally making the problem worse over time.

Challenges with intimacy

In romantic relationships, OCD can cause serious problems with intimacy. Many OCD themes revolve around intimacy and sexuality. For example, some people with OCD worry that they have a different sexual identity from the one they've identified with all their lives (for example, a straight person worrying that they're actually gay, or vice versa). 

You might also have obsessions about contamination or illnesses like STDs. You might have intrusive thoughts about sex being immoral or blasphemous. Unfortunately, medications that are used to treat OCD can sometimes decrease libido. Any of these factors can get in the way of developing an intimate relationship. 

Pressure of compulsions

Compulsions can take up a lot of time and energy. You may need to check, clean, or redo things until they feel “right.” 

This can create pressure in relationships, especially if your loved ones are expected to participate in the compulsions. Research shows that people with OCD may be more likely to try to control others, which leads to marriage and relationship concerns. 

For example, you might ask your partner to check the stove several times before leaving the house or ask a family member to wash their hands in a specific way. This isn't because you're inherently a "controlling" person, but because OCD demands more security.

Loved ones may go along with these compulsions because they don’t want you to feel anxious. But over time, this can cause frustration and arguments. Your loved ones may feel controlled by OCD, and you may feel unsupported when they refuse to participate — even if you know that their participation won't really make the fear go away.

Difficulty with daily routines

Everyday tasks can become more and more difficult for people who live with OCD. For example, getting ready in the morning might take hours if you need to repeat parts of your routine until they feel right. Even leaving the house with OCD can start to feel like a daunting task.

This can start to become frustrating for loved ones. It can make it more challenging to be spontaneous. Plans may be delayed, changed, or canceled because OCD symptoms are taking over. Sometimes, if OCD is getting in the way of basic hygiene and self-care tasks, it can also start to put partners or other loved ones in a "caretaker" role, which can sometimes turn unhealthy or unbalanced.

Emotional distance and withdrawal

Although we've come a long way, OCD is still very misunderstood. And many OCD themes can be about taboo topics. For example, you might worry that you will hurt or even kill someone without wanting to. Many people with OCD worry that people will judge them for having these types of thoughts.

This can lead to emotional withdrawal and distance. You might hide your symptoms because you’re afraid your loved ones won’t understand, which leads you to feel even more isolated and misunderstood. You might avoid certain situations or conversations because they trigger intrusive thoughts. You may even pull away from people you love because being close to them makes the OCD feel more intense.

You're just trying to protect yourself, but your loved ones might feel rejected or shut out.

Relationship OCD themes

Some people with OCD have obsessions specifically about their partner or the relationship itself. This is often called relationship OCD, or ROCD.  You may find yourself fixating on their flaws or become obsessed with questions like:

• “Do I really love my partner?”
• “How do I know for sure if they're the right person for me?”
• “Am I attracted enough to them?”
• “What if I’m leading them on and I don't actually love them?” 

Compulsions might include checking your feelings, comparing your relationship to other couples, repeatedly confessing doubts, asking others or your partner for reassurance, mentally reviewing “proof" of your love, or researching what love is supposed to feel like.

But it's important to know that relationship OCD is not the only type of OCD that can affect relationships. All forms of OCD can affect how you relate to others. OCD tends to attack what you care about most, and for many people, that includes their relationships.

How to cope when OCD is affecting your relationships

Fortunately, there are ways to cope. People with OCD can and do have healthy, loving interpersonal relationships just like anyone else. The most important thing is to get the right treatment. 

Exposure and response prevention (ERP), a type of cognitive behavioral therapy, is one of the most effective treatments for OCD. ERP helps you face triggers without doing compulsions, so your brain can learn that you don’t need rituals, avoidance, or reassurance to be safe. Some people also benefit from medication, especially SSRIs, as part of their treatment plan.

In addition to OCD treatment, you can also:

• Talk to your loved ones about your symptoms when you’re not in crisis. It’s usually easier to make a plan when you’re both calm.
• Create a shared plan with loved ones for reassurance-seeking. For example, your partner might agree to answer once, then gently remind you that answering again would feed OCD. They'll need to stick to that boundary.
• Take responsibility for treatment without blaming yourself. OCD is not your fault, but learning to manage it is part of protecting your relationships.
• Set realistic expectations with loved ones. Recovery does not mean you never feel anxious. OCD can be managed, but it can’t be cured. But you can learn to respond to your symptoms differently.
• Make room for connection that has nothing to do with OCD. Try to have conversations and shared activities where OCD is not the focus. OCD is only part of who you are. There are so many other reasons why people love you.
• Consider involving loved ones in treatment. A therapist can help your partner or family members understand how to support you without accommodating OCD. There are support groups available for loved ones as well.

Tips for loved ones

Loving someone with OCD can be painful. You want to support your partner (or family member), but it can sometimes feel like nothing you do helps. The more you try to reassure and comfort them, the more they spiral. This is because of the nature of OCD — it has nothing to do with you. It's no one's fault, and there's hope.

Follow these tips to support your loved one with OCD.

• Learn about OCD from reliable sources. OCD is often misunderstood, and many people don’t realize that things like reassurance and avoidance can keep the cycle going. You might be enabling your loved one's OCD without realizing it.
• Remember that intrusive thoughts are not the same as desires. People with OCD are often disturbed by their thoughts precisely because the thoughts go against their values. Don't judge your loved one for the thoughts that they're having, and understand these thoughts aren't reflective of who they truly are.

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• Try not to fall into the trap of reassurance. Instead of saying, “I promise that won’t happen,” you might say, “I know this feels scary, but I don’t want to feed the OCD. There's no way I can guarantee what will or won't happen, but what I can do is be here with you no matter what."
• Another tool when your loved one is seeking reassurance is to validate the feeling without validating the fear. For example, you could say, “I can see how anxious you are right now. I’m here with you, and I believe you can get through this without checking again.”
• Don’t participate in compulsions when possible, even if not doing so makes your loved one angry. This might include things like checking, cleaning, repeating phrases, answering the same question, or changing your behavior to avoid triggering OCD.
• Encourage treatment, but don't shame them. You might say something like, “I love you, and I think OCD is taking too much from you. I want you to have support that actually helps.” Don't frame treatment as a way to "fix" them.
• Take care of yourself, too. Even though you're not the one living with OCD, it impacts you. Your well-being matters as well. The International OCD Foundation offers online and in-person support groups for loved ones of people with OCD.

Get matched with an OCD therapist in Phoenix or Glendale

OCD often puts enormous pressure on your relationships. But it doesn’t have to keep controlling them. With effective treatment, you can learn to manage OCD. You deserve fulfilling relationships just like anyone else. OCD is a mental health condition, not a personality flaw.

Thrive Therapy offers OCD treatment in Phoenix, Glendale, and online in Arizona. Our therapists can help you understand your OCD symptoms and learn practical tools to get unstuck from the OCD cycle. We also offer intensive couples therapy to help you and your partner move beyond OCD symptoms to build a stronger relationship.

Reach out today to get matched with an OCD therapist who understands what you’re going through.

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