Everyone wants to feel secure in their relationship. But what does security in a relationship actually look like? It can be hard to imagine, especially if you've dealt with attachment wounds and relationship trauma in the past. 

Even the strongest couples go through hard times. Security comes from knowing that your relationship can hold those difficult emotions without falling apart. You trust that you can work through conflict and stay connected while still being two separate people who don't always agree.

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What does a secure relationship look like?

Depending on who you ask, you might get different opinions about what secure relationships look like. These are some of the signs of a secure relationship based on attachment theory and our experience as licensed couples therapists.

Permission to be your true self

When there is security in a relationship, you feel comfortable and safe to be your true self. You don't feel like you need to hide certain parts of yourself or how you really feel about things. You know that your partner loves you for who you really are. You don't need to change or mold yourself in order to be accepted.

Disagreements, not attacks

The difference is that arguments tend to focus on the disagreement itself. They don't become attacks on each other's character. Also, disagreements in safe relationships don't tend to shake the foundation of the relationship itself. No one threatens to leave unless they genuinely mean it and are prepared to follow through. You both know that you'll work it out.

Respecting independence

Secure relationships aren't only about closeness, but also about the ability to be apart. Secure partners respect each other's autonomy and independence. When your partner needs time alone or to focus on their independent goals, you don't feel like your bond is threatened. You feel their presence even when they're not physically there.

You also feel like a complete person on your own, and even when your partner is not around, you can access security and self-soothing within yourself. You feel confident enough to have hobbies and a social life outside of your partner.

Attunement and emotional intimacy

Part of what parents do to help their children build a secure attachment style is to practice attunement. This is the ability to tune in to the child's internal and physical states and respond to their needs with empathy. 

In adult relationships, attunement doesn't mean that your partner should be able to guess and understand your needs without you expressing them. But they are able to respond to you with empathy, and not annoyance, when you're feeling more vulnerable than usual.

Ability to clearly express needs

You feel safe enough to clearly express your emotions and needs. Neither of you feel like you need to walk on eggshells or avoid bringing up certain topics because they might lead to conflict. You know that your concerns will be listened to and your experience will be validated, regardless of whether or not you agree with each other.

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How to build security in a relationship

Lack of security in a relationship can develop because one or both partners have an insecure attachment style. This isn't your fault; attachment styles are formed during your early childhood years. But even if you have attachment wounds, you can work on building security in your adult relationships.

1. Work on communication. If you've learned to use more passive or passive-aggressive communication styles, try to be more direct. Express what you need and how you feel without assuming your partner will be able to read your mind. Communicate your opinion, even if you and your partner disagree.
2. Strengthen emotional regulation skills. It's hard to feel secure in a relationship when you aren't confident in your own ability to soothe yourself when you're upset. Emotional regulation is a skill you can strengthen and practice. You can learn what helps you stay grounded so that you can communicate clearly and manage your own emotions instead of reacting from a place of anger or fear.
3. Explore past attachment trauma. Attachment styles can change, but they don't change overnight. Address events from your past that may have contributed to feeling insecure in relationships today, and encourage your partner to do the same. 
4. Validate, even during arguments: It's so easy for fights to degenerate into insults and attacks. It can be challenging when you're angry, but try to work on validating your partner's experience before sharing your own. Validating is not the same thing as agreeing. It means acknowledging that your partner's feelings make sense based on what they experienced, even if you remember the situation differently.
5. Work on your relationship together. Couples therapy can give you a safe place to identify patterns that have created insecurity and learn new ways to communicate and connect. Both partners need to be invested in the process. One person can't create a secure relationship alone. Couples therapy is also not recommended for situations in which one partner is abusive or manipulative.

Sign up for Relationship Academy: Online Couples Course‍

Security is something you and your partner can intentionally build, even if it hasn't always come naturally to either of you. Relationship Academy, built by Thrive’s leading couples therapists, is an online relationship course that gives you practical tools to understand your patterns and create a relationship that feels safer for both of you.

Sign up today and get 7 days of Relationship Academy free! Let’s get your relationship unstuck.

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Cayla Gensler, LPC

Cayla is a licensed couples’ therapist who specializes in helping individuals and couples with issues like codependency, communication issues, and loss and grief. She is highly trained in emotion-focused therapy (EFT), an evidence-based method for couples. You can work with Cayla through couples intensives, monthly workshops, or Relationships 101 groups.