Your partner is charming in public but makes you feel small at home. During conflicts, you end up apologizing even when they hurt you. You may start to wonder, is my partner a narcissist? Or are they just selfish and toxic?

Only a qualified mental health professional can diagnose narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). But understanding what narcissistic personality traits actually look like can help you make sense of what you're seeing. Regardless of the label, if your partner's behavior is hurting you, you deserve to keep yourself safe.

Intimate partner violence isn't just about physical violence alone. If you feel unsafe in your relationship, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788 for 24/7 confidential counseling.

What exactly is a narcissist?

"Narcissist" has become a widely used term in pop culture. Many people use the word to describe anyone who is manipulative or toxic. But psychologically speaking, that's not exactly what this term means.

A narcissist is someone who has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or displays those traits. They may not be officially diagnosed (many people with NPD never get treatment), but they show the clinical symptoms of this disorder.

So in this article, we're focusing on how to tell if your partner has narcissistic personality traits. Not every abusive, toxic, or manipulative partner is a narcissist. There are many reasons why people hurt others or behave poorly in relationships, and not all of them point to narcissism.

For example, maybe your partner cheated on you. That might be because they're a narcissist, and their need for admiration (combined with their lack of empathy for you) drove them to be unfaithful. But it could also be due to factors like borderline personality disorder or substance use disorder.  (Neither of these conditions automatically causes someone to cheat.) It could be that they're just selfish.

Even if your partner is not a narcissist, that doesn't mean your suffering is invalid. But we do think it's important to clarify the differences between narcissism and other toxic traits.

Signs that your partner is narcissistic

Here are some signs that your partner fits the psychological definition of a narcissist. There is no online test that can tell you for sure whether someone has NPD, but these signs are based on the diagnostic criteria laid out in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders).

Constant need for admiration and attention

One of the core symptoms of NPD is needing constant admiration and attention from others. This includes needing admiration from you, their partner, but your attention alone is rarely enough.

They may boast about their accomplishments and exaggerate or even lie about what they've achieved. They may create a larger-than-life persona designed to attract praise from strangers, often online. When they don't get the attention or admiration they expect, they may become angry or accuse other people of being jealous. You may feel pressured to constantly reassure them or make them feel important.

Charisma and charm, especially in front of strangers

This need for admiration often drives people with NPD to present themselves with charm and charisma. This may have been why you were drawn to them in the first place. That facade may have worn off for you, but you might still notice them putting on the show for other people. It can feel very lonely when everyone else around you has fallen under your partner's spell.

Inflated sense of self-importance and entitlement

Narcissists think highly of themselves, whether they show it outwardly or not. They tend to think they are somehow special or more important than others, and therefore entitled to special treatment. This can show up as exaggerating or even lying about their abilities. They may get angry if they feel like you're not treating them as special as they believe they are.

Within your relationship, they may expect their preferences to come first. They might view compromise as disrespect or act as though ordinary responsibilities are beneath them.

Lack of empathy, inability to see others' point of view

People with NPD have a harder time with empathy. They may not be able to see situations through another person's perspective because they're too fixated on their own worldview. For example, when you're talking with them, they may respond with statements like: "I wouldn't have done that," or "If it were me..."

They may dismiss your emotions or bring the conversation back to themselves. Over time, you might stop talking about your feelings because it just leads to conflict.

Fantasies about "winning" in life

Your partner may talk about their dreams and fantasies about "winning" at life. It's healthy to have goals, but narcissistic fantasies tend to be grandiose and connected to a belief that they are destined for exceptional status. Your partner may talk a lot about grandiose schemes to become more beautiful, more powerful, wealthier, and so on.

They may expect this success without having a realistic plan, or assume that everyday responsibilities are beneath them. If you question one of their plans, they might accuse you of being negative or holding them back.

Tendency to gaslight or blame you for problems

During conflicts, your partner may deny events that happened or insist that you're too sensitive. Gaslighting is a pattern of manipulating someone until they begin to doubt their own memories and perception of reality.

Gaslighting isn't exclusive to NPD. But a narcissistic partner may use it to protect their self-image and avoid accountability. They might also blame you for their behavior by saying things like, "I only yelled because you embarrassed me."

Condescending toward you or others

One of the symptoms of NPD is a belief in superiority. Narcissists fundamentally need to believe that they are better than the average person, and they may look down on people who they believe aren't at their level.

This can cause them to act in a way that seems snobby or condescending. It might feel like they intentionally try to make you feel "less than," and they may even call you names (like "stupid"). They may also try to control your social circle if your loved ones don't meet their definition of "success."

Willing to take advantage of others to get what they want

People with NPD are willing to take advantage of or even hurt others in order to get what they want. They may expect access to your time or money while offering little in return. They seem to feel no guilt or remorse about taking advantage of people.

When you try to set a limit, they may pressure you until you give in. You might begin to feel like they value you (and other people in their life) mainly for what you provide rather than who you are.

Obsession with jealousy

Envy is a core feature of NPD. Your partner may experience intense jealousy of others' success, or accuse others of being jealous of them. For example, they might seem obsessed with comparing their appearance or lifestyle to people they see on Instagram.

Someone else's success may feel threatening to them. They might minimize another person's achievement or insist that the person didn't truly earn it. At the same time, they may interpret other people's criticism as proof that everyone is jealous of them.

Inability to take feedback or accountability

Lastly, narcissists often feel like they can do no wrong. They may deny that there is a problem or turn the blame back onto you. Even when they apologize, the apology may focus on your reaction rather than what they did. For example, they might say, "I'm sorry you took it that way."

They may even lash out in anger or violence when you try to give them feedback, which causes you to start walking on eggshells.

Deep underlying shame

This trait may not be visible. Your partner may never let anyone see it. But often, the outer arrogance and superiority of NPD hides a deeper underlying shame. In vulnerable moments, you may be able to see that your partner is actually terrified of humiliation. They may behave arrogantly, but underneath that, they may be terrified that other people will see them as inadequate or unworthy.

Understanding this vulnerability may give you more context for their behavior, but it doesn't mean you need to accept cruelty or abuse.

What to do if you're married to or dating a narcissist

If you suspect that your partner is narcissistic, what to do next depends on your situation and unique relationship. But the most important thing to consider is your safety, both physical and psychological.

If your partner's narcissism has led to violence or abuse, then take steps to keep yourself safe. What "keeping yourself safe" looks like depends on your unique situation, which you know best.

If you're in immediate danger, call 911. You can also contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788 to discuss your options.

If you want to end the relationship

It is always your right to end a relationship that no longer makes you happy, especially if your partner isn't willing to make changes. Some preparation may be important, because narcissistic partners often use manipulation to try to get you to stay.

If your partner has been abusive, leaving may be an especially dangerous time. A domestic violence advocate can help you create a safety plan based on your specific circumstances.

• Have a plan. Think through where you will stay and how you will get there before announcing your decision, especially if you're afraid of how your partner might react.  Change important passwords and review any shared accounts or location-sharing settings.
• Tell someone you trust what is happening. Ask them for the specific type of support you need, including their physical presence.
• If you're married or share custody, property, or finances, consider speaking with an attorney before taking action.
• Communicate your decision clearly without getting pulled into an endless debate. You don't need to convince your partner that your reasons are valid.
• Work with an individual therapist who understands emotional abuse. Therapy during and after the breakup can help you recognize harmful messages you absorbed during the relationship and learn to trust yourself again.

If you want to work on the relationship

There are many reasons why someone might choose to stay with a narcissistic partner, including obligation, finances, family structure, and genuine love. Although it's difficult, there may be ways to have a relationship with a narcissist, especially if your partner is willing to get help.

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• Don't get pulled into their manipulation and games. Stop engaging when you notice them gaslighting or manipulating you. Set real boundaries based on actions you can control. For example: "If you call me names, I will end the conversation."

• Look for sustained accountability instead of apologies alone. Apologies can become cyclical, and your partner may use them to suck you back in and keep you from leaving without making any real changes.
• Try the Gray Rock Method of communication. This is when you give short, emotionally neutral responses and don't give the manipulative person the reaction they're trying to get. If this escalates their behavior or feels unsafe, stop and prioritize your safety.
• Encourage your partner to work with an individual therapist who has experience treating personality disorders. You aren't responsible for diagnosing or treating them. But keep in mind that research shows that people with NPD have a poor treatment prognosis, so therapy may not help them.
• Maintain your own support system and access to financial resources. Make a bank account that your partner doesn't have access to. Keep talking to your own friends and family.
• Consider couples therapy only if you feel safe speaking honestly in front of your partner. Couples therapy may not be appropriate when there is ongoing abuse or a risk that your partner will retaliate against you afterward.
• Decide which red flag behaviors you aren't willing to accept. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you need to give up your safety or sense of self.

Relationship Academy: Online Couples Course Led By Therapists

Whether or not your partner has narcissistic traits, having these kinds of relationship problems can leave you questioning yourself and unsure what to do next. You deserve a healthy relationship. Relationship Academy is an online course and community led by therapists, where you can learn practical tools built around our Four Pillars of a Secure Relationship.

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