Take This "Do I Want to Get a Divorce Quiz"
Written by Cayla Gensler, LPC
Cayla is a licensed couples’ therapist who specializes in helping individuals and couples with issues like codependency, communication issues, and loss and grief. She is highly trained in emotion-focused therapy (EFT), an evidence-based method for couples. You can work with Cayla through couples intensives, monthly workshops, or Relationships 101 groups.
It's painful to get to a point in your marriage where you're considering separation or divorce. But what can be even more painful is not knowing what decision to make. There are endless "Do I want to get a divorce” quizzes that you can find online. But it's important to understand that no quiz — not even a therapist — can tell you whether you should stay married or get a divorce.
As hard as it is, nobody else can make the decision for you.
We've created our "Do I want a divorce quiz" not to help you make a decision, but to help you reflect. We hope it gives you a chance to pause, look at your marriage honestly, and ask what you really want moving forward.
How do you know if you really want to get a divorce
Most people who consider divorce describe a gradual process. It's not usually about one single moment that makes you realize you want a divorce. For example, maybe communication has broken down. Maybe you’ve just grown apart. Maybe there’s been infidelity or a loss of trust that’s been hard to rebuild.
The psychology of marriage and separation shows that ambivalence is normal. You might feel torn — part of you wants to stay and part of you wants to leave. You might have spent months trying to resolve recurring conflicts or understand your spouse’s behavior, only to just feel as stuck as ever.
These "quiz" questions can't replace counseling or mediation, and they can't tell you what's in your heart. We've written them to help you evaluate what you’ve already tried, what you need, and what you’re still willing to do. The decision is ultimately within your hands.
Therapists sometimes use questions like these to help you gain clarity, but even they can't tell you what to do. A mental health professional can help you process the feelings behind it, but they can’t choose your path for you.
If you’re still unsure, it’s okay to take time to think. Some couples try a trial separation before deciding whether to stay married or go separate ways.
Answer these “divorce quiz” questions honestly
We've designed these questions to help you reflect on what’s working, what isn’t, and what you truly need from your marriage. Answer them honestly, either on your own or together with your spouse.
1. How do you feel when you think about your marriage?
Do you feel calm, tense, or hopeless? Do you feel angry? Your body’s reaction often says more than your thoughts. Try to pay attention to whether your marriage feels like a source of connection or a constant stressor.
2. Have you and your spouse tried counseling or mediation?
Working with a therapist or counselor gives you a structured space to explore recurring issues that have come up in your marriage. Couples counseling can help you understand whether you’re still compatible or whether the same hurtful patterns keep repeating.
3. Do you feel emotionally and physically safe?
If there’s physical or emotional abuse, it may be time to prioritize your safety. Abuse changes the power balance in a relationship. It can be impossible to heal without professional help.
If you ever feel unsafe or believe you might be experiencing abuse, it’s important to reach out for help right away. You can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or visit thehotline.org for chat and text options. They’re available 24/7, free, and confidential. If you’re in immediate danger, please call 911.
4. Do you both take accountability for your behavior?
Healthy relationships depend on accountability. When both partners can admit mistakes and repair, problems can be easier to resolve. When one person avoids responsibility, the dynamic can become unbalanced and create a sense of resentment.
5. Do you still share common values or goals?
As we grow, our values shift — especially around finances, family, or lifestyle. This is normal, and doesn’t mean that either of you is the “bad guy.” But it’s important to think about whether you still want similar things from life or if incompatibility has made your marriage harder.
6. How do you handle conflict as a couple?
High-conflict relationships can damage mental health. Do your disagreements usually lead to resolution? Or do they just repeat themselves until one person “gives up”? Do one or both of you have a pattern of avoiding conflict and trying to sweep issues under the rug?
7. Have you discussed the practical realities of divorce?
Even if you don’t want to, it can help to process what a divorce process would mean for both of you — emotionally and financially. Consider issues like child custody, property division, and other legal agreements. Talking with a mediator, attorney, or law firm can clarify what’s involved before you file for divorce.
8. Has there been infidelity or broken trust?
Infidelity is hard — but not impossible — to overcome in a marriage. If you or your spouse has cheated, rebuilding trust will require accountability, openness, and, often, marriage counseling. Ask whether you both feel ready to do that work or if the hurt has gone too deep.
9. Have you taken time apart or considered a trial separation?
Sometimes taking a break helps you see things more clearly. A trial separation can help you understand what this relationship means to you and what it would look like to be apart. If you do choose to go this route, use the time intentionally, not just as the first step toward divorce.
10. What would peace look like for you?
At the end of the day, both of you deserve a peaceful and happy life. Peace might mean reconciliation. Or it might mean ending a marriage with compassion and respect. What matters is that your decision aligns with your values and emotional truth.
How to work together as a couple and save your marriage
Choosing to stay married doesn’t mean pretending everything’s fine. It means deciding to rebuild your bond intentionally. If you and your spouse still want to work on the relationship, these steps can help:
- Start talking again — really talking. It’s easy to stop communicating when things feel tense, but silence doesn’t tend to help. Try setting aside time to talk about how things have been feeling, not just about daily logistics.
- Try couples therapy. A therapist can provide a neutral space to help you both understand what’s been going on and how each of you has been feeling. You may learn new ways to talk about difficult topics, or realize what each of you actually needs to feel heard.
- Set clear boundaries. For example, you might agree not to yell, not to interrupt, or not to bring up past arguments in the middle of new ones. Boundaries can prevent both of you from feeling attacked, especially during conflicts.
- Remember you’re a team. If you can’t find agreement on important issues, mediation can help you talk through practical solutions without more conflict. The goal isn’t to win, but to understand what each of you can live with. Try to remember you’re a team, not working against each other.
- Address what’s caused harm. Be specific about what needs to change. For example, if there’s been infidelity, then repairing trust might be the priority right now. Don’t ignore the elephant in the room. Address the things that have caused harm and work together to fix them.
- Create an action plan together. Write down two or three small changes you both agree to try to improve the relationship. For example, they might be things like checking in weekly or dividing certain tasks differently. Make these goals as specific as possible, but also focus on making them realistic.
- Give yourselves time to think. It’s okay if you don’t know yet whether you want to stay married or get a divorce. Taking time to think can prevent impulsive decisions and help you evaluate how each change feels over time.
If putting in this effort brings more distance than connection, that’s information too. Sometimes, knowing you’ve done everything possible can help you both move forward with peace.
Get clarity with Couples Therapy in Phoenix, AZ
At Thrive Therapy in Phoenix, we work with couples who are unsure about what comes next — whether that means staying together or going separate ways. Our therapists help you explore the emotional, relational, and practical sides of your divorce decision.
Couples therapy can help you clarify what’s been happening, identify what you need, and understand what kind of relationship you want moving forward. Our sessions are confidential and collaborative, giving you space to talk about your experience without judgment.
If you’re feeling unsure or conflicted, you don’t have to decide right now. You can take time to evaluate, reflect, and start talking. When you’re ready, Thrive Therapy Phoenix can help you find a way forward, whatever that looks like for you.
